Memories Fade Away
by kandys-couple
Summary: A short, three part fic on thoughts from Sandy, Kirsten and Caleb about fathers, daughters and sons. Updated. Final Part up: Caleb
1. Sandy

This came to us when we talked about her father. She doesn't have that great a relationship with him, a child of divorce. We were watching Season 2 and she became upset at Caleb and Kirsten. So, this is the end result. A short, three part fic about Kirsten and Caleb. It takes place after Kirsten reads the letter from Caleb. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Don't own or are not affiliated with anyone.

Chapter 1: Sandy

I watch her sleeping. She looks so peaceful. The most peaceful I've seen her in months. The anguish in her eyes has finally disappeared. Her breaths come in long, deep respirations. She groans lightly as she turns over, draping an arm around my waist. I inhale her scent and look down at her innocence. She never deserved this much pain.

She had gone through so much already; she didn't need to deal with this now. I look down at her face, her mascara tears dried upon her flawless face. She was exhausted. The tears and the hurt that had consumed her had tired her out. I knew that. She and I, we have a silent bond. We've known each other for too long for me not to understand how she feels. However, this battle is her own. I can't help her here; I can only be there for her.

We've been together over twenty years. For over twenty years, her father has been a commanding force in our relationship. He never liked me. And I never really liked him. I only put up with him for her. It was always for her. That was the one thing we had in common. We always just wanted her to be happy. Even when he and I would disagree the most, we always put her first.

I never meant to be a force that caused a rift between her and her father. I just wanted her to be happy. We were always at odds, her father, and I. We would argue about almost everything. Money. The boys. Her. I still remember the first time we met. He thought I was a joke. I could see it in the way he would look at me. He would make fun of my background. He always thought I was never good enough for her. There are times when I agree with him. I didn't know what I did to deserve such perfection.

There's the one thing that we always agreed upon. She was utter perfection. Beautiful. Intelligent. She was everything a woman should be. I always heard him say that she was exactly like his wife. Maybe that's why he never could really let her go. His wife had died several years ago. His other daughter gone. She and he were all that were left of their family. He just couldn't let her go.

I had always thought he was heartless. Treating her the way he did. I realized one afternoon that I spent with him, looking for her ring that he was like her. Passionate. Caring. They just didn't know how to show it sometimes. Him more than her. She had grown to be very loving. He had a little more difficulty showing he cared. You could see it though. In his eyes. The way he spoke about her. He loved her like there was no tomorrow.

Spending that day with him was an interesting experience. He wasn't such a bad guy. It was times like that that I missed my father the most. He ran out on my family when I was much younger. I never really had a father.

That day, he spent the day with me, trying to find a ring for her. To prove my love to her. Of course, he had thought the idea preposterous but he had come nonetheless. He respected that I loved her. I think I was starting to grow on him. I have to admit. He was starting to grow on me too.

I wish he wasn't gone. I still need someone to give me that extra push. Someone to make me try and become a better person. In that aspect, he was like a father to me. He was the male figure in my life that I somewhat wanted to be like. Strong. Resilient. He was the male figure in my life that I didn't want to be like. Selfish. Cold. But he loved. He loved so much that when he got hurt, it destroyed him. This destroyed everyone and everything around him. Even his relationship with his daughter. Still, he was a driving force in his small place. He was a sign of power.

I can't believe he's gone. As much as I had disdain for him, I couldn't help but love him all the same. Oddly enough, he used to treat me like a son. I hate that she has to go through this. It is hard enough for me to deal with his death. I used to see him everyday. Even if he isn't the nicest man, he was always there for me. Regardless of his disrespect toward me, I knew I could always count on him. For anything.

He gave me his daughter. I hate that as we began to get along, he had to pass on. He had to leave us. It breaks her heart. It breaks mine, too. I watch her sleep. The peace in her face, evident. He's watching over her. That I knew for sure.

_Cal, I'll miss you. You were what made me try my best to be worthy of her. You were right. No one is good enough for her. But I can try. I will spend my life making her feel loved. I will make sure that she is looked after. Happy. Well. You were like a father to me, regardless of how much we fought and argued. I think in a sense that made us family. I was one of your only friends. You were one of mine, too. You made her happy. I used to wish that you were my father. I used to wish that someone were there for me at my greatest times of need. I realized that I didn't need to wish or pray for that. You were here. Whether or not you knew you treated me like a son. Whether or not you actually accepted me. It doesn't matter. I never got to know my father. I'm glad I got to know you. _


	2. Kirsten

Sorry it's taken such a long time for this to come up. We've tried putting up one chapter of each but this one's been kind of put aside. It's sad, really. This is a three-parter. :P Okay, well, we don't actually know Sandy's middle name but for now it's Michael. And we don't know Caleb's middle name but again, for now, it's Anthony. Tell us what you think. Read, review, and of course enjoy.

Chapter 2: Kirsten.

I lie in bed feeling the empty space next to me. I smile for a minute, remembering how Sandy always loved a good surf in the morning. I know that is not the only reason he is missing this morning. I lean over on my side and pick up the rose lying on his pillow. A note beneath it. I recognize his handwriting immediately. _Kirsten. I went surfing but don't get up! I'll make you breakfast in bed. I'll be back before you know it. Don't you move from that spot, beautiful. I love you. xoxo. Sandy. _He never had the best penmanship but I adored his signature. It always looked best when it was next to mine. I remember the first day we signed our marriage license, how wonderful our names looked side by side. _Sanford Michael Cohen. Kirsten Nichol Cohen. _I smile fondly, smelling the rose in my hands. He always was a charmer. Understanding, too.

I had read my father's letter to me, last night. It was an apology. I should have been the one to apologize. That's the other reason why Sandy's nowhere to be found this morning. I know he wants to give me time to think. Time to absorb all that's happened. How could I have been such a fool? The last time my father and I had spoken, I had just come out of the hospital after my car accident. He confronted me about my alcoholism and I lashed out at him. I blamed him for everything that had gone wrong with the family. My mother's drinking. Hailey leaving at 17. I know I never had the perfect family but I was out of line telling him that the family was screwed up because of him. I remember the conversation so vividly. I can still hear him tell me I was an alcoholic. Underlying in his words, telling me I hadn't given thought to my kids. That I was a bad mother. It wasn't his fault. Well, not entirely. He didn't force gallons of alcohol down my throat.

I was controlled, then. The alcohol was like a lover. No one was going to take it away from me. Not Sandy. Not my father. I was hooked. Addicted. It soothed the pain that no one else could take away. No person could ease my hurt and alcohol could. It numbed me to the point where I didn't know what was going on. I couldn't see what was happening around me. Not until the accident. I thought I was going to die. I didn't want to die. I wasn't ready. I thought I could give up the vodka in place of my life. I tried. My father had to tell me the honest truth. I was an alcoholic. I didn't handle it at all. I yelled at him, retorting with his own indiscretions. Facts that had been exaggerated just so that I could put him in his place. And then he died and the vodka was the only thing that could comfort me. The burning sensation down my throat, the dizziness that allowed me to forget for a moment that I was in pain, the unconscious, dreamless state which allowed me to release any tension. Any feeling. Because being in a coma-like sleep was better than being shaken by guilt and regret. I was weak. I couldn't handle anything, then. The alcohol was my crutch.

I peer over at the drawer, once hiding a small flask of vodka, now holding the letter from my father. He was never perfect. But he was my dad and that made him perfect to me. For me. He made me who I am to this day. He always drove me as a child. The swimming. The ballet. Art. He always wanted me to attain such grace and poise. Well, I got just that as well as many headaches and screaming matches with it. He always told me that in the end it would be good for me. He wasn't completely wrong. If it weren't for my dad, I wouldn't have gone off to Berkeley to find the love of my life. I think maybe, in an odd way, it was a part of reason he hated Sandy so much. He wanted so many different things for me and in the end, it was his drive that pushed to into Sandy's arms at Berkeley.

He lied about so many things but never about us. When Rachel had introduced herself into my marriage, he was there to listen to me. He did use it against Sandy at the settlement conference but he had been there for me. He was never a very open man, always quiet. Things went downhill once I left for Berkley. We stopped talking. He pushed me away for disobeying him. I came back with Sandy and then we just stopped getting along. He always did treat us like investments but there were odd times when I just had him as a dad.

Even amidst all the fighting. All I ever really wanted was for him to be proud of me. He never made me feel it. Sometimes I just hated him. He always made me feel inadequate. As if nothing I ever did was good enough. As if everything I did, was a disappointment or an embarrassment. My adopting Ryan just seemed to push him over the edge. It was confirmation that our relationship was lost. I never discussed it with him. I would have done it anyway but that wasn't the point. Most women would have called their parents about a new addition to the family. A new son. I didn't.

Everything with us was always so different. His second wife was my best friend, making my stepmother, my best friend. He was the cause of many of the twisted and elaborate relationships between the Nichols, the Cohens, and the Coopers. Math that I can't even solve. There was also the addition of my new sister, Lindsay. She was the love child of an affair my father had while married to my mother. This knowledge caused me a pain that I could never fathom. The betrayal, the deceit, and the lies punctured my image of what seemed to be a happy marriage. I had seen flaws in my parents' relationship but none that would lead me to believe that my father was ever unfaithful. He was the type of husband whose mistress was his work but my father needed both the Newport Group and Renee Wheeler. My mother had then become the type of wife who drank away the hurt she felt inside. Using alcohol as a method of releasing the confusion and suffering she incurred while without my father.

I miss her. She died when I was younger. I was in my twenties. I had already been married to Sandy and Seth was only about four or five. She had fallen ill, ovarian cancer. Hailey was just a teenager. At that time, I never knew that she'd leave the house at such a young age. She left to travel and study elsewhere. She couldn't stand being in the house any longer. The fighting, the yelling, the drinking, and the slammed doors. Hailey was the last thing in that house, after mom, that made me want my family back. My father barely noticed me after Jimmy, Berkley, and Sandy. He, however, took a large interest in Seth.

Seth, when he was younger, was easier to mold than a hormonal teenager and married young mother. My father taught Seth to sail and he loved every minute of it. But as time passed on, Seth inherited Sandy's traits. His humor and sarcasm. His love of comic books and distaste for sports. My father then just slipped away from his life, visiting seldom.

When Sandy got a job with the public defender's office and Seth began school, I had realized that I needed a job. My dad, the businessman as usual, offered me a position at the Newport Group and I, of course, accepted. After many years of grueling work, I became the head of residential development in Newport. I had thought that this would bring me closer to my father. I was wrong, here. Though our offices were only a few doors away, I still couldn't reach him. Our relationship was professional at all times, even at dinner. There was no way that he'd get close to me. I hadn't realized how strained our relationship had become.

It was at his birthday party, the year Ryan had come into our lives, that we let some of our emotions come out. We're alike, he and I. Very private, personal, silent people. Afraid at times to show how we feel. After my father had found out that I had adopted Ryan, he decided he'd cut down some of my time at the office. This came as a shock to me as all I wanted was for him to be happy and here he was cutting away my job and the last thing that kept him talking to me. I was upset and Sandy ended up telling him that I wanted to quit. At his party I wanted to explain but being as stubborn as he was, he ignored me and told me that he expected my resignation on his desk Monday morning. I spent most of the evening locked away in my room, wondering what I was going to do and what I wanted. Sandy found me and we discussed our situation, how I didn't want to quit, and that it wasn't my intention. I went out to the back and my father found me. We talked about my mother and Ryan and Hailey, eventually reaching the most unspoken of topics, us.

"_You're all I got, Kiki. And then I'm running you so ragged you don have time to talk to me…"_

"That's not true and you know it. I just want you to be proud of me…" 

I sit in bed, with the letter he had written me folded neatly in my lap. And now he's gone. Tears flow freely as I remember him. His rare smile and laugh. His unseen love. My father. I sob at the realization that he truly is gone. Simply a memory. As hard as it is to accept, he is no longer with me.

I realize that I have no way to apologize. No way to tell him that I'm sorry and that I love him. I never meant to blame him for any of the things that have happened in my life. The door opens as Sandy greets me with a smile, tray in hand. Upon seeing my face, his smile leaves his as he rushes over to me, placing my breakfast on the bedside table. He gathers me into his arms, my head resting against his chest as he strokes my hair. "Shhh, baby, it's okay," he whispers to me.

"He's gone, Sandy. He's really gone and I can't tell him how sorry I am for what I've done. For what I've said. I can't tell him I love him," I cry. Sandy nods before whispering to me again.

"He knows, Kirsten. Trust me, somehow, he knows that you love him."

"What do I do, Sandy? What do I do? I have to show him somehow, tell him," I say, shaking my head before looking up at him through tear-stained eyes. I watch him as he thinks for a moment, His eyes wandering as he tries to calculate a way to make me happy.

"Write a letter to him, Kirsten. Write him a letter and we'll get it to him. He'll find it. They say that if you write a letter to someone who isn't with us anymore, they can still get it. They'll still know, Kirsten. Come on, we'll go today," says Sandy.

I look at him, grateful. I reach up and cup his face with my hands, my thumb feeling the stubble on his face. I pull his head down, his lips meeting mine as I leave soft kisses. His lips linger against mine before he slowly slips his tongue into my mouth. My own tongue slides against his as our kiss deepens. I love Sandy so much.

He pulls away and smiles at me. He's going to take a shower. As he leaves for our bathroom, he turns and smiles, reassuringly at me. Everything is going to be fine. As I dress, I think of all the things I want to say to my father one last time. Just before I finish my letter, Sandy emerges from our closet, fully dressed. He kisses my temple and walks me to our car. The drive is long and silent. I am grateful.

My father had never truly liked Sandy. He had thought that he wasn't deserving of me. Sandy, however, was my perfect man. He was everything the opposite of what I had grown up with. What my father had never realized was that I was not deserving of Sandy. He was an honest, humble, true soul and I was a spoiled young adult when we had met. Somehow, we had fallen in love and remained in love. Even to this day. I never knew love could feel this way. I've never felt more complete. He is my other half. There was nothing about our relationship that was normal or average. We were as different as you could be and yet we couldn't live without each other. Even now, our lives are as passionate as it was when we were twenty-two.

My eyes begin to water as I peer at the horizon before me. The climb up the hill is long and winding. I don't mind. My letter balances on my lap as one of my hands is in Sandy's, his other hand, clutching the handle of our car. My moment to bid farewell to my father approaches. My heart flutters in my chest as I see the steeple. Plots of buried family members, loved ones, lost ones scatter the ground. Among them is my father's. Sandy parks our car before walking around to the other side to open my door. Almost immediately, he takes my hand and rubs it soothingly. My pain is deep.

As we stand before Caleb Anthony Nichol's grave, a soft breeze blows my hair against my neck. I look up at Sandy, tears falling down my face. He nods, kneeling before the grave and placing a bouquet of flowers on the soft, lush green grass that had grown there over the three months. Time had flown. As he stands, he brushes off any dirt from his knee with the back of his hands. I look out, frozen. He turns to me, cradling my face with his fingertips. He stares deep into my eyes. We stand, transfixed in an eternal gaze of adoration. He leans forward and catches my lips with his. He leaves small pecks on my lips, lingering kisses. He kisses the tip of my nose before pressing his lips to my forehead, my hands drifting upward to hold his wrists as we stand in this position for what seems like eternity. "I love you," he murmurs against my head.

"I love you, too, Sandy… I can't do this without you," I reply honestly.

"I'm here, Kirsten. I won't leave you," he says, pulling away and looks into my eyes once more. I nod, turning toward the engraved stone before me. I pull the letter from my jacket pocket and place it with the flowers. I stand to look at the sight in front of me before bringing my hands together to pray silently that somehow my father will receive the contents of this letter. That somehow he'll forgive me.

I feel Sandy's warm arms wrap around me as I shiver, pulling me closer to his body. I lean into him as I sob quietly. _I miss you._ Sandy can hear my cries. He gathers me into his arms in an embrace as my head rests upon his shoulder. I allow my sobs to grow louder as I cannot suppress my pain anymore. My heart is aching.

As my breathing slows, I feel a damp area on my shoulder. Liquid has seeped through. This is when I realize that I was not the only one shedding tears over my father. Sandy was too. Sandy takes my hand, wiping his tears with his other. We walk hand in hand to our car, our memories are with us. Our sorrow has been strung. This is my eternal farewell to my father.

_Dearest Daddy._

_I know, it's been ages since I've called you that. I know you're gone and I miss you. First of all, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. I was wrong. You were only trying to help me. God, I'm so sorry. You have never been a bad father. It always hurt when you weren't there but it always counted when you were. I didn't mean to place blame on you. I know you aren't the root of all problems. I'm so sorry that we've drifted apart when you and I were the only ones left in Newport. I'm sorry that I've been such a fool. You're my father and I love you so much. I just wish I told you that more often. _

_I don't know what was going on with me anymore. Last year was this whirlwind of emotion. You hurt me. You really did. I didn't know how I was going to forgive you after what happened with that Renee woman. I know it's cliché but Lindsay was the silver lining. She was, in all honesty, a sister to me. I know she was a daughter to you. You loved her so much, I swear I was a little jealous but she deserved it. She deserved to be loved by her father and you turned your back on that. Again, I thought I could never forgive you. It was like you drove her away from us. It was always like you drove everyone away from us. Mom. Hailey. Lindsay. It sounds like I'm blaming you for everything wrong in this family but I'm not. _

_I've realized that things happen for a reason. You're my father for a reason and I wouldn't have it any other way. You and me we were stuck together for a reason. I worked for you, trying to reach you for so many years. I don't think I ever did. I controlled you, though. Julie was right, you listen and do whatever I say. You even turned down Hailey because I said so. All those times I was jealous. All those times I tried to connect to you. I realize now that I always did. When I told you to treat Lindsay like a daughter, you did it. When I married Sandy, sure, we didn't have your blessing and yeah, you treated him like crap until the last few months or so. I knew you loved him as much as he loved you. You tried for me, and I know that now. I'm sorry I forgot that. I know you couldn't stand to fight with me. I couldn't stand fighting with you either._

_You were right. There were two. There were always two. You and me. For over 20 years, it's always been just the two of us and for the past 20 years, I never told you how I really felt. I'm so sorry, daddy. I love you and I just wish I could have told you that more often. I wish I could have hugged you more. Spent more time with you. Talked to you. I can't even remember the last time you and I actually spent quality time together, not including the business and working dinners. I miss you so much, and I'm so sorry. _

_I'm writing you this letter because I didn't get a chance to apologize or to tell you how I felt. I'll never get to tell you now. But I hope that somehow this letter reaches you. What I'm trying to say and express. I never appreciated you while you were in my life and now you're gone. We never miss the ones we love until they're gone…_

_I love you. I will always love you and I'm so sorry about everything. What I said and what I did or didn't do or say. I'm just sorry. I wish you were here now to hold me one last time. I want to tell you one last time that I love you and that I'll miss you. I just want an opportunity to say goodbye. But I can't turn back time. I can't dwell on a past that I can't change. I'll remember you always as the great man that you were and the father you gave me._

_I know somehow this will reach you. I know you're watching over me… with mom. _

_I love you, Daddy. _

_Kirsten._

**One more to go and that's Caleb. **


	3. Caleb

Hello, everyone. This is finally the last installment of our Memories Fade Away fic. It's short, simple and hopefully, sweet. We're glad you enjoyed it and we appreciated all your feedback, comments, and reviews. We hope you enjoy this last one. D&E

Disclaimer: We don't own this song. The title is Until They're Gone and it's by Bobby Tinsley. It's amazing and all credits go to him and the people who are affiliated to this song.

Part 3: Caleb 

_**Why do say the things that bring each other pain?**_

_**Why do we argue about a past that we can't change?**_

I watch her, my darling daughter, the wind blowing against her beautiful features. Her hand is clutched tightly in his as she shivers. I smile as he turns to look at her before placing their interlocked fingers in his coat pocket. They smile at each other before exchanging a short kiss. I turn away and stare at the nothingness before me. A view of endless clouds and light shine ahead of me. I know I'm gone. Away from the ones I loved and the ones who loved me. My little Kirbear.

_**How come we sit in the same room without saying hello?**_

_**Why can't we turn the other cheek, I need to know**_

The last time we spoke, it was on tainted ground. She had just come out of the hospital, bruised and sprained. I had just visited her to see if she was alright and to try and knock some sense into her. But she's a Nichol, through and through. Stubborn as they come and strong as they can be. She refused to hear my pleas. She was an alcoholic and nothing was going to change that. Perhaps I could have let it to her gently; after all, I made that mistake with her mother. They're so alike. Even if Hailey was the exact replica physically of their mother, Kirsten had her personality. They were both tough, beautiful, challenging, intelligent people. If only she hadn't inherited so much of her mother.

We never miss the ones we love 

_**Oh, we argue and fight**_

She was an alcoholic as well and I had handled it the wrong way. I turned to another woman, who bore me a child. I wasn't going to do that with Kirsten. I was going to help her. Or at least make an attempt. But I hadn't seen that I had already failed her in so many ways. As a father and as a man. I told her angrily about what she had done, forced her to become ashamed of her actions, insinuated that she was a bad parent and that she was an alcoholic. She retorted with a line I had used when she found out about Renee and Lindsay, "An error in judgment." We always argued and fought. It was like second nature to us. She had told me once that all she wanted was for me to be proud of her. I was a stubborn old fool never to tell her that she was the most important person in my life and that I thanked God everyday for blessing my life with her even if I didn't deserve her. I was more than proud of her. I was full of pride that she was my daughter and that she had grown into the woman she was.

_**We don't appreciate them while they're in our lives**_

We let our pride get in the way 

I realize that the car is still parked in the lot, they haven't driven off yet. I hear her sobs, loud and pained, muffled by the closeness of his body to hers. I see them, his back against the car as she is huddled against him. He holds her close, one arm around her, the other hand, stroking her hair gently. Her arms are wrapped tightly around his middle as she clings to him, grabbing the fabric of his jacket firmly in her hands as she continues to cry uncontrollably. Her face is buried in his neck. I know he feels the sting of her tears against his skin. I know he wants to stop her tears but he doesn't know how other than being there for her. His face rests at the side of her head, turning every now and then to place a kiss on her temple.

_**And blame each other even though we both are wrong**_

_**Why don't we ever miss their love until they're gone?**_

Sandy was the son I never had. I hated him from the moment I laid eyes on him. At first, I had thought that he was just using her for her money. He was this scruffy, self-righteous, New Yorker that was with the beautiful, rich Newport princess. She loved him, though. I threatened to cut her off and she said it was alright with her as long as she was with Sandy. We used to be so close, when she was growing up. After her breakup with Jimmy, she moved to Berkeley against my wishes and our relationship deteriorated from there. I always pushed her to be the best and I believe it was I who pushed her straight into Sandy's arms. They wed and I, being my proud self, refused to attend. She said she understood. Sandy was the complete opposite of who I was. We never got along but I loved him all the same. He kept me on my feet and secretly, I was proud to have such a son-in-law. Someone balanced and blessed with morals to keep my Kirsten safe. He did just that and so much more. I heard his thoughts this morning. I feel the same about him. He's a son to me regardless of how it seemed on the outside. He was only friend in Newport. He was my only son.

_**Why do we go so long without saying how we feel?**_

_**Why do we open wounds, we know will never heal? **_

I watch as they finally make it home to their family, their sons. Seth and Ryan take turns enveloping Kirsten in their arms as they notice her tear-stained face. They know why she's crying and they're happy that she's home with them to deal with it. Together. As a family. I hear her laugh as Seth says something funny. Ryan stares at them, shrugging his shoulders. I know he missed his mother. I can read his thoughts. He loves Kirsten as though she bore him into the world. She loves him the same way. He's a secretive young man and refuses to tell her but she knows. Ryan pulls out a chair for her at the kitchen table as Seth places a box of leftover take out before her. Sandy sets another few boxes next to it to give her a wider array of choices. She smiles gratefully at them as she forces them all to eat with her.

_**How come we search for love that truly satisfies?**_

_**When everything we would ever need is before our eyes**_

They're her family. Her trio of men refuse as they want her to get her nourishment. She gives them all a patented Nichol glance and they all sit down next to her, eating what she places before them. I'm so happy for her as she smiles contently before eating her own food. Kirsten never had a normal family growing up. She never had a strong family dynamic and that was for the most part, my own fault. I turned away from them and turned to my business and my money. But where are they now that I am gone? They're gone as well and my family… My family still thinks of me, prays for me. Remembers me with love and adoration, both of which I shouldn't deserve. Kirsten's found the family she's always wanted. The family she's always deserved.

_**We never miss the ones we love**_

_**Oh, we argue and fight**_

I've read her letter. Time and time again since she left it on my grave. Sandy was right. I would get I somehow and as I read it the first time, I felt closer to her than ever before. She brought her heart to me. Told me of things I had never known before. Her feelings. I am given an opportunity to tell her goodbye and that there is nothing to be forgiven between us. We are eternally father and daughter. That bond will last until the end of time, no argument has broken us, and our apologies have been heard.

_**We don't appreciate them while they're in our lives **_

_**We let our pride get in the way**_

They sleep, nestled safely in each other's arms. She lies on her side, his arm draped around her stomach. I've already told him my goodbye, many times before. It is her final goodbye that I have not yet given. I couldn't until I knew she had read my letter. Until she knew how I felt and now she had. I walk over to her side of the bed, watching as peace is painted over her angelic face. I lean over to kiss my darling daughter on the forehead. My lips pressed against her forehead, I murmur, "There is nothing to be forgiven. You are my daughter and nothing will change that. I love you, Kiki."

_**And blame each other even though we both are wrong**_

_**Why don't we ever miss their love until they're gone?**_

She stirs gently as I remove my lips from her forehead. I stroke her hair one last time as I turn and walk away. "I love you, too, Daddy," I hear her say. I leave, tears in my eyes as I join my wife in a painless existence. Her letter lies with me. My letter lies next to her. This is our eternal farewell to one another.

_**I'm praying out that God would help me make a change**_

_**I'm begging now, right now that you will feel the same**_

_My Dearest Kirsten,_

_**I'm praying out that God would help me make a change**_

**I'm begging now, right now that you will feel the same**

_I'm sorry. I'm writing you this letter because you were right. I'm not proud of what I've done or who I've become but you were. I've done a lot of things in my life that I shouldn't have. I always thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was doing right by you and your sister, your mother. But I wasn't. When you needed me most, I was gone. I am the reason that so many things have gone the way they have. You were right._

_**We never miss the ones we love**_

_**Oh, we argue and fight**_

_I don't deny my cowardice or my negligence when it came to our family. I was a fool. But you see, Kirsten, you cannot deny that something is wrong. The accident, your drinking. Something is askew with you and I don't know what it is. It could be me or it could be Sandy, for all I know but something is not right. You scared us, Kirsten. You're scaring us. So many people love you and you can't treat yourself this way. You cannot allow yourself to fall so deep. You are your mother's daughter but you are not your mother. Her addiction doesn't have to be yours as well. _

_**We don't appreciate them while they're in our lives **_

_**We let our pride get in the way**_

_When she was sick, you bore the responsibility and that's my fault, Kirsten. You are a strong woman but you have to admit to your weaknesses. You need someone. It doesn't matter if in the end, you don't turn to me for help. I will understand. Turn to Sandy. Turn to someone because we're all behind you. You need to fight this, darling. Not me. That's all we've been doing for so long and it's time for a change. I can't stand to fight with you. I was wrong in telling you so abruptly everything you've ever done wrong in a single night. I'm sorry._

_**And blame each other even though we both are wrong**_

_**Why don't we ever miss their love until they're gone?**_

_This was Julie's idea, you know. To write you this letter. She was right about so many things about us. Everyone's always right about us. Everyone that is except for you and I. We know nothing about our relationship and I am for the most part to blame. I distanced myself from you when all the while you were right there next to me. A relentless force to be reckoned with and I refused to see. I never appreciated you, Kiki. I let my pride get in the way and I blamed you for what you had done and who you had become._

_**We never miss the ones we love**_

_**Oh, we argue and fight**_

_I pushed and pushed and pushed until you left me. It was my fault, Kirsten. I wasn't there. I was never there and I'm sorry. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent, nurturing woman and I had nothing to do with it. I cannot take credit for who you are because you found that all on your own. I pushed you in different directions, all of which were wrong for you. You made your own path, Kiki and I'm so proud of you._

_**We don't appreciate them while they're in our lives **_

_**We let our pride get in the way**_

_Kirsten, I'm sorry. I truly am. I hope you can find it in your heart to somehow forgive me for what I said to you. But please, Kiki, realize that you are hurting yourself. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want you to destroy yourself and the life and family you've created. They need you. Take care of yourself. Don't allow your Nichol pride to get in the way. Don't let it ruin your family as I ruined mine. You are special, Kiki to everyone around you and they want you to get better. You are strong where I was weak and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've done and haven't done in your life but you are your own woman. I'm proud of you. You can fight whatever it is that comes at you. Remember that._

_**And blame each other even though we both are wrong**_

_**Why don't we ever miss their love until they're gone….?**_

_I love you always, darling._

_Love, _

_Your father, Caleb_


End file.
